the brilliantly leaping gazelle

Well that was a shock to absolutely no-one! ‘The Daily Telegraph’ yesterday running a front-page exclusive on Boris Johnson’s election manifesto. That would be the same Boris Johnson who the ‘Telegraph’ paid £275,000 a year to write a weekly column – which he gave up when he became PM – but since 2001 he trousered a measly £2.7 million. That ‘Daily Telegraph’. The one that’s been put up for sale, amid reports that it’s losing it’s owners – the funster Barclay Brothers £900,000 a year? That one!

What would’ve been an exclusive, a proper scoop, was if ‘The Sun’ had run it. The ‘Telegraphs’ readers – of the print version anyhow – are older, white, well educated, retired, affluent and basically more likely to vote Tory anyway. If the election pundits are to be believed – and that’s a big if – then the sort of people who read ‘The Sun’ – sweeping generalization here – are more likely to be kind blue-collar workers that the Tories need to vote for them if they’re to have any chance of taking traditionally Labour voting northern constituency’s that voted ‘Leave’, and help win them a majority.

Right on cue, both Labour and Conservative bullshitters have been busy promising everything to everyone in the north, much like divorcing parents desperate to buy their child’s affection. ‘I love you more than them, because I’m going to give you all this great stuff, more than they are, much more, that I know I should’ve given you sooner but I’m giving it to you now and all I want in return is a tiny little x on the ballot paper. It’s not too much to ask, is it?’

According to the BBC, there was all manner of bullshitters spewing bullshit yesterday. They were all at it. The cleaning bill – for the halls and they’re fumigation, for the clothes – and for the counselling – must’ve been enough to fund a food bank for a month. Pity those unfortunates seated near the front. As Doug Stanhope puts it ‘they were spraying shit about like it was confetti at a wedding.’

The Tories have also vowed to borrow to fund more spending, rewriting their current financial rules.

Chancellor Sajid Javid denied copying Labour’s plans, saying he would practise “sensible stewardship”.

But Liberal Democrat Treasury spokesman Ed Davey warned that both parties were “writing promises on cheques that will bounce”.

Labour and the Conservatives say they want to take advantage of historically low interest rates to spend more on transport, hospitals and other infrastructure projects.

With ‘The Guardian’ adding that the Labour bullshitter, hoping that people would forget the other bullshit they’d heard too many other times to believe it now. If he had promised that if they voted Labour, they’d get a free orgasm once a month for life, I wouldn’t be surprised. But then by the same token, neither would I be too surprised if after the general election the new Labour government had reluctantly concluded that the possibility of deaths caused by strenuous sexual activity amongst the elderly, infirm or otherwise deemed at risk, had made them reverse the promise. Thats the thing with preventable deaths. They’re preventable. Anyway, back in the real world, this is what he said.

He said much of the planning for investment would be devolved, that part of the Treasury would be moved to the north of England and that his ministerial meetings would be held in other places as well as London.

“What does this mean?” he said. “It means that the centre of political gravity is shifting away from London. It’s coming back home to the north.”

Speaking soon after the chancellor, Sajid Javid, had announced that the Conservatives would revise their own fiscal rules to be able to spend an extra £20bn a year on infrastructure, McDonnell said far greater ambition was needed.

As well as £250bn in investment over 10 years for a green transformation fund to invest in areas such as clean energy and home insulation, Labour also pledged £150bn over five years for what it billed as a new social transformation fund.

As I wrote yesterday, this isn’t my first rodeo so I know from experience that what politicians promise before an election is rarely what they deliver if elected and I strongly suspect those with a long memory will recall the years of broken promises and social devastation wrought by politicians of all kinds – well Labour and Conservative – will be a skeptical as me about all this. I mean who do you trust more, or rather who do you think’ll break fewer campaign promises? It’s a tough one, I know.

It’s now 1.02am, and I only came to add three words to this. I just want to say that the idea of a a free orgasm a month for life is a great idea, a sure fire vote winner. I’ve just thought….actually, you really don’t want to know what I’ve just thought. You really, really don’t.