the brilliantly leaping gazelle

Of all the many egregiously self-promoting performative displays of concern over the Israel/Gaza situation, the ‘Cinema for Gaza’ silent auction which ends tonight at midnight, is perhaps my favourite. It both perfectly sums up the fashionable posturing of ‘celebrities’ and also how that word has become practically meaningless over the years.

Granted, alleviating the suffering by means of raising funds to buy humanitarian aid is in and of itself a good thing, there’s no denying that, but there’s no shortage of countries where war has caused a similar need.

Yemen, for example, remains among the world’s worst humanitarian crises with an estimated 4.56 million people displaced by the conflict and over 70,000 refugees and asylum seekers (based on UNHCR figures.) At least 17.6 million people currently face food and nutrition insecurity while half of all children in Yemen under the age of five are suffering from moderate to severe stunting due to food insecurity.

Nigeria, despite being one of the worlds biggest oil producers, still has an humanitarian crisis in its north western region. An estimated 8.3 million people are in urgent need of humanitarian assistance, of whom over 80 per cent are women and children. Violence, malnutrition and disease have only to exacerbated its problems, whilst a lack of engagement from humanitarian groups and donors, and formal UN recognition of the crisis, haven’t exactly helped either.

What also hasn’t helped the many millions in need of the same humanitarian aid, the same focus and attention by Western media on the crisis and the same concerted international political action as the Palestinians receive, is that their crises, and the causes of them are complicated. So to is the Israel/Gaza crisis, but it has been simplified down to an absurdly binary level, one where there is only the blackest black and the whitest white.

Which brings me back to the ‘Cinema for Gaza’ auction. Now you would think that such a humanitarian crisis, one that has been unfolding in front of our eyes thanks to the news media’s obsessive coverage and social media’s objective analysis, would attract the very cream of Hollywoods greatest and good. After all, they’re not known for their reticence when it comes to urging others to support causes they care about, and no cause in recent years has become such a talisman of virtue as solidarity with the Palestinians.

So therefore when at the looking at names of the donors, I am struck by the fact that none of them are what you might call ‘A’ list. Even its most notable donor, Susan Sarandon, in her prime wasn’t an ‘A’ lister, and her prime was nearly 30 years ago. Where are the big hitters, and not the stars who are only stars in the minds of themselves and their PR teams, I mean the actual genuine articles, the Meryl Streep’s or the Tom Hanks’? The Scarlett Johansonn’s or George Clooney’s?  

Aside from the extremely charitable interpretation of ‘star’, they seem to use, I can’t help but notice that quite a few are offering to something via Zoom. A writing mentoring Zoom meeting with Morgan Lloyd Malcolm, current bid £195, a directing mentoring zoom with Stella Corrad now £165. You can share a virtual coffee with Matt Whitecross, current bid £175 , Rajesh Thind £165 or Lenny Abrahamson £475.

Not exactly the chance to spend the whole day with Jennifer Lawrence, or mentoring with Martin Scorsese is it? I had thought we were really getting close to the big bucks when I saw that one item was the promising sounding ‘A night to remember with Guz Khan’. My hopes were no sooner raised than they were dashed, as details of this supposed ‘night to remember’ emerged. It offers the successful bidder the chance to ‘pick an activity of your choice: becoming Guz’s Fortnite duo partner on the PS5, joining him and his mates for a munch at The Farmhouse in Coventry; or doing donuts in a car park in a Porsche 911.’

So near yet so far.

Why not raise much more money by combining the opportunities that Zoom offers, the proven success of OnlyFans and ‘celebrities’ desire to help. Who wouldn’t want to see someone off the telly cover strip naked and unhurriedly cover themselves in whipped cream before taking requests as to put what fruit to put where. How much would that raise? They could double up. Offer to either mud-wrestle naked for an hour, or else to re-enact  the naked male wrestling by firelight scene from ‘Women in Love’. Or, they could offer a selection of which acts they’d be willing to perform with possibly an interactive element, whereby bidders could suggest something and the price they’d be willing to pay. Some ‘celebrities’ would be busier than others, but as it’d be for charity..

We could then see which ‘celebrities’ were willing not so much to put their money where their mouth was, but put their mouth where the money was.