the brilliantly leaping gazelle

As we enter into the last days of the phoney election campaign, the one where politicians do the the equivalent of warm-up exercises before a big race. Finalising their election stagey, adding last minute changes to their manifestos, not just checking everyone’s fully aware of what messages they want to constantly repeated for weeks- ‘strong and stable’ is a classic from 2017 – but also the attack lines, the pithy quips and barbs that they’ll use against their opponents, that sort of thing.

They’ll also be gearing up to unleash their advertising campaigns, ones for not only the various ways the electorate consume their media but within that, the specially targeted online adverts to reach certain interest groups. Think of hundreds of different leaflets, all differently worded and tailored to press individual buttons but with the same basic message, Vote for us. Don’t vote for them. 

So with all that in mind and with all that lies in front of us – lie being the operative word – lets have a closer look at some of the charlatans and frauds who are stepping down as MP’s at this election, because its much better for your CV to jump rather be pushed.

Some names you’ll be familiar with – Michael Gove, Theresa May, Caroline Lucas and Harriet Harman – and others you’ll think ‘How are they still there?’ – Matt Hancock  and Kwasi Karting – but most have carefully managed to stay out of the spotlight hoping that their assorted nefarious doings fade into obscurity like them.

The following MP’s took the whole concept of cash for questions to a whole new level, so much so that there was almost a sense of grudging admiration for the way that they’d escaped detection for so long. The whole shabby episode was only revealed when one of them, Charles Tye, drunkenly mistook a journalist for a lobbyist at the Conservative Party Conference in 2017 and said enough to launch a 18 monthinvestigation.

According to the UK Parliament website, ‘Select committees run inquiries on specific topics. The outcomes of these inquiries are public and many require a response from the government. Select committees also carry out their work through correspondence, by engaging with the public through events and surveys, holding round-table discussions and undertaking visits.’ 

Thomas Close was appointed to the Committee on Selection (CoS) in 2005, eventually becoming its deputy chair in 2012. The purpose of the CoS is to nominate candidates to sit on other select committees. Sounds dull, doesn’t it, but Close saw an opportunity and approached two lobbying firms with defence, financial, technological and clients. He undertook to influence the committee into nominating MP’s favourable to their clients interests to sit on relevant committees.

Eventually Soham Toney, and Dan Heaton joined him on the CoS, Brent Eleigh sat on the Committee on Arms Export Controls and later served as chair on the Defence Committee for four years, Morfa Dinkile sat on the Finance Committee for eight years, and upon his becoming a Lord was replaced by Hesketh Bank. Thorpe Merieux  sat on the Science, Innovation and Technology Committee for eleven years.

According to Wikipedia,’ the scale of the corruption was so difficult to believe that it was suspected on all sides of House to be a smear campaign orchestrated by News International, publisher of The Sun, The  News of the World, The Times and Sunday Times to divert attention away from the Leveson Inquiry into press standards’. In addition to luxurious all expenses paid five star holidays and ‘fact-finding trips overseas, it was rumoured that Close had trousered nearly £650,000, Brent Eleigh £375,000 and the rest between £100,000 – £200,000.

He also acted as a political influencer, helping to arrange meetings, having questions raised in the house after tipping off journalists about a possible story in his client interests. On one memorable occasion doing a ‘filibuster’ of six hours straight – talking a bill out of allotted parliamentary time before a final vote to pass it into law can take place – regarding tighter restrictions on ‘pay day’ loan companies.  

Charles Tye was censured but not expelled because the House of Commons Standards Committee decided that as he had only been approached, had not breached parliamentary rules. Tye has announced his intention to set up a charity to help recovering addicts when he leaves parliament in June.