33:64 presents ‘Michael Myers.”

Today is Halloween. I know! They kept that one quiet. There were no adverts on TV. There was nothing in the shops. No costumes, no accessories and no pumpkins either! It was like how Britain used to be. Only joking. No-one wants a return to the Britain of old, back when women didn’t have penises, but the Labour Party did have socialist ideals and where the salt of the earth weren’t seen as the scum of the earth.

Because things are so much better now. They just are. And one of the things that helps make Britain better is us finally coming to terms with the fact that we are America. Not the proper one, not North America, the Moms apple pie, cheerleaders and the Hollywood one, but the South American one. Without the violence, temperature or exuberance, but still.

And proof of this is demonstrated by just how enthusiastically we’ve embraced Halloween. Although to be fair, its the retailers who’ve done the enthusiastic embracing – of the the massive commercial opportunity – and have convinced consumers to consume. How much more American can one get? Identify and create a market and then sell to it. Its capitalism 101.

So whilst we pretend to care about the environment and pay lip service to the whole ‘keeping it the ground’ thing, the one thing that would really help the environment, would signal ones commitment to a more sustainable future far better than wearing a t-shirt or going on a march, would be to keep it ones pants. Sadly however, Halloween is proof that this isn’t happening. 

The only reason why consumers consume Halloween themed tat is because fledgling consumers pester them into it. And we all know that children are the most important people in the world. Because soon they won’t be children, they’ll be having them. And their memories of childhood will inform the childhood they will want to give to their children. And repeat, repeat, repeat…

One thing that has baffled me about Halloween over recent years is how it has escaped the opprobrium visited upon other forms of cultural appropriation. I know that it originated here and then the founding fathers took it with them on the Mayflower back in olden times. But their version of Halloween was all rooted in religion and superstition, of the dead rising from the grave, not of children dressing up and knocking on doors demanding sweets.

How is it not cultural appropriation of a specifically American tradition? Unless the children are dressed up as morris dancers, Beefeaters, or one of Henry VIII’s wives how are they not further compounding the appropriation. How is dressing up like a mummy not appropriating Egyptian culture? Or wearing a ‘Day of the Dead’ skeleton suit equally not as offensive to Mexicans. If they really wanted to dress up and go for something culturally relevant, they could go as Victoria guttersnipes or dolly-mops. 

It’d certainly put the trick into trick or treat.