My Christmas present to all (!) of you…Christmas Liffs…
by Pseud O'Nym
As I in no way wish to dampen your festive mood, I present for your delectatation my own Christmas Liffs. Liffs are, as I’m sure you need no reminding words than describe a feeling for which no word yet exists, by using place names (These are all places in the United Kingdom I assure you!)
No doubt you’ll have heard of the phrase “As camp as Christmas and so for your added enjoyment, I suggest reading this while listening to the musical expression of that sentiment here.
What one gets from rashly agreeing to a Chila.
People on a Chlia clearly having a nauseatingly jolly time, which you think they’re purposely doing to wind people up
People engaged in Chlia, obviously wearing presents.
Realising that nobody has picked up hints dropped in the run up to Christmas about what you’d really, really want.
When the life and soul of the party has had too much to drink and then becomes thoroughly obnoxious.
The worried looks which express concern for the mental state of the teller of a Fanellan after a Fazerley.
Leaving it so late that by the time you get to the buffet at a Christmas party, all that remains has been pawed, breathed and touched by everyone else, before they decided they didn’t want it.
A feeling of increasing jealousy that occurs when your partner is on the opposite side of a crowded room and watching them enjoying the company of an attractive stranger rather too much for your liking.
A Bucks Green that is magnified when, after being distracted by long Maunby, you cannot see either of them.
The name given to the post Christmas dinner walk, which is claimed to “Be just the thing we all need!” but seldom is.
Duration of the dilemma one feels about the probity of asking if the receipt has been kept for a present that is wholly not what you need, want or ever choose to own. Duration of which is proportionate to relationship with giver.
The feeling of nausea that is felt either watching someone sitting opposite you eating their Christmas dinner in messy and off putting way.
When an someone experiencing a Alcol proceeds to boorishly holds forth on a subject on which they clearly knows nothing but which you have considered, reasoned and well thought out opinions and which you can defend articulately, so much so all you want to do is punch his lights out.
The elderly friend of the family whom your never told exactly how and in what capacity they’re a friend of the family, as you only ever see them at Christmas.
Stony and awkward silence that greets a joke that you found on sickipedia and that everyone else you’ve told it to found hilarious.
Exclamation frequently heard at supermarket checkouts when the grand total of the Christmas food shop is revealed.
An often repeated, interminably long anecdote concerning people whom you don’t know but whom nevertheless you are meant to find fascinating. Sometimes delivered by an aged relative, normally in a very tired and emotional state.
When the thread of the Fanellan has gradually drawn to end, although one isn’t quite certain, on account of increasingly lengthy pauses accompanied by wistful eyes and sudden bursts of laughter.
Frequently heard repeatedly and at full volume by householder one month after Christmas upon opening of a utility bill and realizing that your partner’s relatives had taken the invitation “to treat our house as your own” rather too literally
Just before you enter a room, hearing a parent exasperatingly observe to your partner, “But darling, that’s what you say about all of them!” only for them both to become all smiles when you appear.
Knowing that the relationship is only being kept alive just so you can get a free holiday, and you will end after Christmas. Until then, and for utterly mercenary reasons, you maintain the fiction of happiness to her them and their family.
Moment when the pleasure one gets from an unexpected visit from relatives becomes irritation at them being in your house, and them showing no sign of leaving.
A Fulking exacerbated by knowing you have somewhere much more enjoyable to go to and that the longer they stay, the less likely it is you’ll go.
A female relative of advanced years that dresses in a manner more befitting someone at least twenty years younger and behaves accordingly.
Male equivalent of a Glamis.
Playing Trivial Pursuit with members of your partners family who know rather too much about things you consider irrelevant.
The curious silence that descends on a gathering by osmosis when carol singers can be heard nearby.
Whereby food that really should’ve been thrown away by Boxing Day, mysteriously finds its way into sandwiches.
An awkwardly affectionate and long lasting welcome hug from which there is no extrication from, usually given by a Glamis or a Glenisa to an attractive partner of a much younger relation.
Presents wrapped in a ham-fisted and slapdash manner, indicative of a being done in rush, suggestive of a recently being undertaken after Sheet
A cook who believes that what Christmas dinner lacks is the wow factor. And therefore convinces themselves that condensed milk glaze for the turkey together with balls of stuffing with centers of sherbet is going to achieve this.
The embarrassing dance at Christmas party that a Glenisa does, after which he proclaims “Oh yes, I’ve still got it.” when he just proved the very opposite.
Accident caused by rather enthusiastic pulling of a Christmas cracker.
Being introduced to your partner’s distant Eastern European relative whose name sounds like a Latin name for an infectious disease.
Suppressed rage when exhorted to open something you’d wanted to do either a Worthington or a Littleworth to.
Assorted excuses to avoid partaking in a Chlia which conceal the fact that is one is perfectly content to slob out in front of the television in an agreeably comfy chair, where it’s warm, and where one possibly snatch a bit of shut eye.
Regression common in adults when entering childhood homes
Effusive thanks that conceal the fact that an unwanted present of little financial worth will be re-wrapped and passed on next year
Usually following a gonalston, saying to your partner later that you’d have a far better chance of winning if you’d been playing on your own, and when the conversation becomes an argument, rashly suggesting that they were “mental pygmies who’re as thick as a whale omlette”
A pervading sense that you are stuck with the most boring person at a Christmas party.
The trepidation one feels throughout Christmas dinner when an aged relative repeatedly accepts brussell sprouts and cabbage.
When the person who made the Terrible Down realises their mistake and brings the call to an end to preserve their own good humour
Despite everyone sharing the same opinion of the Dacre, when you cannot take anymore and challenge him on every point, displaying a knowledge they lack, the Dacre inexplicably becomes the recipient of everyone in the rooms’ sympathy.
The sudden and almost violent gag reflex one experiences upon entering a toilet which someone has recently done aTrumpington in.
Presents wrapped in an overly elaborate and neat way, suggestive of an O.C.D.
The cheerily effusive Christmas greeting that one gives to neighbours that one quite happily ignores for the rest of the year.
When you meet your partner’s parents for the first time at Christmas and immediately know from looking at them that marriage is so not going to happen.
The art of decorating a Christmas tree that is twice the size of the one you normally have, using the same decorations.
Concealing a Patchway by only decorating the front of the tree.
The Christmas truce between a married couple that are on the brink of divorce agree to in order to maintain the fiction that all is well when out visiting.
Even though they know you live together, your partners’ parents have seen fit to put you in single bedrooms located at the opposite ends of a creaky wooden hallway, of which their bedroom is located in the middle.
A person who notes the disparity between the value of gifts given and those received, causing them to think they’ve been the victim of a Littleworth
The belief that one can plant this years Christmas tree in the garden when finished with and dig it up and use it again next year.
The suppressed anger one feels when, having given individual presents to a married couple and their children, one gets one in return.
The interval between you unwrapping a Christmas present, wearing it, and then it being permanently and prominently stained.
Person who leaves it until Christmas Eve to all their Christmas shopping.
Guests to a Christmas party who bring cheap alcohol and then drink much better quality alcohol throughout.
A phone call made by a caller on Christmas Day, throughout which they have to repeatedly shout in order to be heard over the sound of boisterous party, to wish a Happy Christmas to someone who clearly isn’t having one.
The amount of alcohol required so that a Glamis will permit a Glenis who has earlier done a Hipswell to have sex with her.
The noxious, prolonged and inevitable percussive accompaniment that follows soon thereafter a Memus.
Effusive thanks which conceal the fact that an unwanted present of financial worth will be going on eBay, as soon as one can get online.
….and whatever – and whoever – you do, enjoy it….