As I’ve got other things to be getting on with, here are some one-liners…

by Pseud O'Nym

He wasn’t so much pushing the boat out as launching an armada.

It is said that Helen of Troy was so beautiful that she launched a thousand ships. You’re so beautiful you could launch a yacht.

I wouldn’t say she’s fat but she’s certainly no stranger to the light of the fridge at midnight.

Anyone can be wise after the event, but the trick is to be wise before the event.

The things that were sent to try him always found him guilty.

Her rags had never been glad.

When he was apportioning blame, he gave her seconds.

He had a face not even his mother could love.

She looked like offal dressed as mutton.

An I.Q smaller than the radius of his kneecap.

If he hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down, then the tree in question must’ve been a Giant Redwood.

Of course he’s bisexual; the only way he gets any sex is by paying for it.

The biggest sexual favour she could do you was not to have any sex with you.

I need some chains to contain my excitement.

As much use as a glass trampoline.

As much use as a sponge hosepipe.

As much use as pair of chopsticks in a sugar bowl.

As much use as a marshmallow axe.

As much use as brick lifejacket.

As much use as porcelain football.

Rock music is actually well named because when you hear it, you immediately want to cave your skull in with one.

Isn’t it odd that if disco music has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and rock music positively abounds with them, that no one ever listens to a disco record and hears voices telling them to commit suicide?

She had a chest like melon smuggler.

A definition of child cruelty? If she had triplets and you were bottle-fed.

She looked like an oil painting. By Picasso.

I’m as tolerant as the next man. As long, that is, that the next man is Alf Garnett.

I believe in equality. I hate everybody, equally.

I wouldn’t say she’s fat but when she has a mud bath it looks like a nature documentary

He’s not fat but when he jogs it reminds me of a jelly in an earthquake.

She was as deep as a puddle.

If manners maketh the man then he is positively Neanderthal.

He was a practicing homosexual in the sense he hadn’t got the hang of it yet.

If cleanliness was indeed next to Godliness he was an atheist.

I do value your friendship. The value being £5.

He’s so stupid that if he owned a flower shop, he’d close on Valentine’s Day.

For her it wasn’t so much the menopause but the menofullstop.

As much fun as sharing a thin bed with a fat woman.

You wouldn’t be wanted even if there was a poster offering a reward.

If you lived by your principles, you’d be a zombie.

If you were a voucher who would bother redeeming you?

All he amounted to was loose change.

He was a self made man, one that hadn’t bothered to read the instructions.

She didn’t have emotional baggage as much as a walk in wardrobe

If talk is indeed cheap then he got his at a jumble sale

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless, of course the word is “fire” and given to your firing squad.

If his mind took a flight of fancy, then it wouldn’t be long haul one.