On being careful of what you wish for…

by Pseud O'Nym


I write this sitting in the garden of my house, all warm sunshine and delighted squeals emanating forth from Little Miss Sunshine in the paddling pool in what otherwise should be a glorious late summer idyll. Instead of which, I’m doing a remarkably good job of hiding the naked terror that has bedevilled my every moment since 04.06 this morning.

At 04.06 I awoke in a sweat, which wasn’t a cause for concern as it had been an uncomfortably warm night. What happened next however,  was. As I lay in bed, it seemed as if my whole body was gripped by a sort of seizure. Sort of, because I don’t know exactly what a seizure feels like, but this was what I imagined one to be, and it wasn’t an experience I wished to repeat. But I was to. My whole body was gradually enveloped by a creeping kind of pins and needles type numbness, which lasted for long enough to scare the proverbial out of me.

Naturally sleep eluded me from this point, suffering from the terror  which only someone experiencing unexpected sensations at very late o’clock can know. These sensations occurred twice more, each time ratcheting up the terror. Throughout the rest of the day, I’ve styled it out – putting on a brave as face as someone with depression can – so as yo avoid questions. It’s amazing how effective answering an enquiry as to how am I, –  “98% carbon” – is, especially when you want to convey a sense of normalcy is, given it’s the same answer I always give. Either that or ‘Keeping sanity at bay”.

Anyway, I’ve had recurrent pins and needles in my left arm and leg throughout the day. And not exactly tightness in the chest, but noticeable discomfort.  Was this real or imagined? This has happened before, although nowhere near as bad as last night

But in most extreme case of being careful what you wish for, it’s now 06.50am on Saturday 26th September and I’ve been awake since 04.45am, scared to go back to sleep. What occasioned this was me waking up and then feeling a cramp like sensation in my lower left leg, from the calf down. Waiting for it to abate almost immediately, it hasn’t. There is still some tingling, not pins and needles exactly but noticeably there. Pointing my toes up towards my body is something I can do but feel instinctively – why and how I know not – that I shouldn’t. Mindful of the fact that others are sleeping in the house, I’ve gingerly attempted to put some weight on it. It doesn’t feel as strong as the right one, but then I am in a state of heightened anxiety, a state, which has to be said, is in no way helped by occasional twinges in my upper left arm. At least I think they’re twinges.

As I say, I scared to go back to sleep and not just because my Mother had a stroke last year. Am I having a minor one or am I thinking too much? Is my left arm tired just because it is tired or is it something else entirely? Is the slackness on the lower left side of my mouth something real or imagined? And more importantly, why am I writing this, when my time might be put to better use?

It’s not that death scares me, more the moment itself, that one knows one is going to die, that the lights are going to be turned off.

Anyway, off to A&E to see what they make of it all.