A misanthrope’s advent calendar – day 1

by Pseud O'Nym

One of the many things that annoy me about Christmas – and there are many, some of which I’ll share with you in the coming days – is the way which people behave as if Christmas is some sort of surprise, something that sneaks up on them, and catches them unawares. As opposed to what it actually is; something that happens every year, at the same time, long before they were born, each year they’ll be alive and will continue long after they’re dead. And it’s not as if there isn’t any advance warning either! In what universe are people who say christmas crept up on them living? Maybe christmas is the killer in a slasher film and someone in the remote cabin has heard noise in the forest and has gone to explore? Or maybe they’re as stupid as people who say variations on ‘christmas came around fast this year’, as if there’s some kind of calendar accelerator.

It’s almost as if there’s a monthly global type lottery to establish if this will be the month to host Christmas; each draw takes place on the first day of the months and starts with two balls, a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’ ball too determine if Christmas is to take place this month.

If the ‘no’ ball is drawn, then it’s a rollover until the next month until a ‘yes’ is drawn and then all the days in that month, starting from the fifteenth to end of it, are entered into the draw and whichever is pulled, then that’s christmas day. There would of course be a gap between chistmas’s; the draws for the next one would start six months after the last one.

Each country could have their own draw!

Wouldn’t that be fun! Imagine the nervousness of retailers, as they’d have to be permantley prepared for Christmas to be revealed! The anxiety they’d feel would be surpassed only by the frenzied mayhem of consumers in an increasingly panicked state, fearful of supermarket shelves not being super, their presents not being that presentable.

Or maybe, just maybe, most people wouldn’t care, would just go on with their daily routine and carry on as normal.

Here’s my favourite Christmas joke:

Why does Santa have a bulging red sack?

Because Christmas only comes once a year!