the brilliantly leaping gazelle

Unlike in 2017, I won’t be attempting to watch the election results come in, blog about them as they happen and drinking champagne whilst hurling abuse at the television, abusive which gets more abusive the more I drink at the television. Instead, I can hear a champagne cork pop, which means it’s time to stop writing and start getting ready for abject misery. But in the best traditions of ‘Blue Peter’, here’s one I prepared earlier….

One of the great moments of pleasure in any election night coverage is being up for a Portaloo moment. You know what these are, I mentioned them earlier. The chief Portaloo moment might come when the result of the Uxbridge constituency is called. Here, Boris’s Johnson is defending his seat with a majority of less than 5,000. There are plans afoot in Conservative Central Office that should he loose his seat, then a newly elected Conservative MP with a large majority will vacate their seat and thus trigger a bye-election

Chingford and South Woodford is the stomping ground everyone’s favourite politician, Ian Duncan’t Smith. He faces a challenge from young Labour candidate with impeccable credentials. She is young, was raised by a single mother in the constituency, graduated from Oxford, and has pledged that she won’t stand in any other constituency.   She also has an army of volunteers and other community activists supporting her. And he has a majority of less than 2,500. So that looks promising.

Then we have Anna Soubry’s Broxtowe count to look forward to, because with a majority of only 863, she better have kissed a lot of babies. With there parents consent, of course! Ah, dear Anna, who never uses one word when one hundred will do!

Another is the marginal seat of Fife. Where the majority is two! The result of this isn’t expected until late but its going to be hotly contested.

As does Hastings, where Amber Rudd is standing down. Everything is up for grabs here. Moving to the other end of the country we have Birkenhead, where Frank Field has been the Labour MP since 1979 and in 2017 election got 76% of the vote. He ‘s been remarkably effective as chair of the work and pensions select committee, so naturally he was expelled and is standing as an Independent

And poor old Chloe Smith in Norwich North. Wait you don’t know who she is? Maybe this’ll remind you!

This is the full horror. and her stuffing by Paxo starts at 6.19.

And last and hopefully very last is Chuka Umoaner. Hopefully his smug blend of playing to the gallery and opportunism will finally get the repeated kicking in the ballots it deserves. Cities of London and Westminster that one.

But there’s a chance that this’ll go the way of so many Glastonbury’s, you know, when you get there and they give you the full line of bands and work out who you’ll see, including acts in the theatre field and the green field. But the good intentions upon arrival are never what actually happens. You get totally shitfaced.

So to with tonight. Lets hope it’s not a re-run of election night 1992, when loads of us were expectantly hoping for the Labour win the polls had predicted – I was younger and more naieve – so my dissapointment was more acute. A combination of Aldi champagne, pickled onion Monster Munch, KP peanuts and chicken drumsticks will see to should prevent that. Hopefully.