A right pickle!

by Pseud O'Nym

Well I was this morning.

It’s not much that I’d want to go out necessarily, maybe have a day trip to the seaside, get a train and head to a park, but more the knowledge that I can’t. I understand why, of course I do, but nonetheless I resent it as well.

So it was just as well that I received a parcel from my partner, which she’d drawn on a huge red cross on the back and tied it up with string so it looked like one of those food packages that P.O.W’s would get. You know the feeling you get when you know, you just know, simply by looking at the outside of something that the inside is going to be good? It was one of them.

Inside was a ‘Curly-Wurly’, a bar of chewy nougat, a bag of chocolate covered raisins, two packets of cherry drops and a packet of pickled onion Monster Munch! As a way to revive flagging spirits, it was just what I needed and not a moment too soon either. Eating the Monster Munch immediately, I noticed that the packet said ‘Not to be sold separately’ Hoo-fucking-ray thought I. It meant there were more of them, just waiting to be eaten by me. Goody gum drops.

Pickled onion Monster Munch are my favourite crisps and bizarrely so to are they my brother and his two daughters favourites as well. My choice hasn’t been a hasty one either oh no, I’ve put the work in, a lifetime of dedication and unshakeable resolve, even when confronted with the abomination that were ‘Skips’. I don’t know if they still make them, but I hope for the good of children’s taste buds they don’t. Imagine a prawn cocktail flavoured communion wafer and your nearly there. Awful. Although at least you knew where you were with crisp flavours and the coloured bags that they came in. But now? Now it seems like Heston Blumenthal has been put in charge of crisp production. Who in Darwin’s name thought that Marmite flavoured crisps were a good idea? Not anyone over the age of 14 I’ll bet.

Crisps shouldn’t appeal to adults, and as evidence of this I call upon Marge, who when asked what her favourite crisps were, replied that she no longer ate them – shock – but she had been partial to beetroot crisps. Of course she was, one of her favourite foods as a child was kedgeree after all! Lets hope she doesn’t discover that they now make kale crisps.