the brilliantly leaping gazelle

On Thursday, the BBC reported that there were now 400 coronavirus cases in Italy, an increase of 25%. Now, an increase by 25% of sounds mightily scary doesn’t it? Only a rationalist would point out the fact that Italy has a population of 92 millions, and that an increase of 25% to make the new total 400, would therefore mean that originally 325 were infected meaning an increase of 75. Doesn’t sound half as scary does it, an increase of 75?

If we apply that kind of percentage methodology – or hyperbollocks – to the increase in UK coronavirus cases from 15 to 16 then an increase of one equates to 7.5%. An increase of a small amount in a small amount to begin with will, when expressed in percentage inflate it. It may well be factually correct yes, but helpful? That was on Thursday night but if I post this on Saturday night the number of cases will have increased, that’s a given, but nowhere near the amount fear-mongering the media are creating, and then reporting on the very phenomena they’ve created.

On Thursday, the bastion of even handed and moderate reporting that is the Guardian carried a story about the governments Chief Medical Officer suggesting that potentially schools might have to close for two months to prevent its spread. I know this only because my housemate told me about this. This was exactly the sort of forward thinking needed, plans to deal with a potential outbreak worsening and exactly what the government should be doing was my reaction. Indeed, how could any adult able to read without moving their lips think otherwise?  If only The Guardian could combine supposed government callousness, an already barely coping NHS and Brexit into a story that would cover most pre-existing biases of it readers. If they could just shoehorn something in about the dangers of vaccinations versus the benefits of adopting a vegan diet to ward off ailments, and possibly a fracking angle, and for good measure something about micro-plastics compromising humans immune system, then one

could surf on the rivers of cum gushing out of The Guardians HQ if they could manage that.

Actually, what we need to do is bite the bullet and enact the ‘Herod Solution’, you know, King Herod, him from the bible, the villain in the nativity play, that one. The one who decreed that all new born children in wherever he was king of and Mary was about to give birth in, be slaughtered to prevent the messiah living. Well if as a preventative measure every child under 5 was deemed a potential health risk and for the common good was killed? It might seem to be a bit of an over-reaction, but as an American Major told a reporter after reducing a village to rubble a  during the Vietnam War “In order to save the village we had to destroy it.’

Mind you, why stop there? Might combating the spread of the coronavirus yield some unexpected benefits to society? Bear with me. 4 out of 5 people who get it only suffer a mild illness and get better, it’s only the very old who are at the most risk. Why doesn’t every person in the UL over the age of 75 just kill themselves now and put our minds at rest. After all, the longer you live the greater is the likelihood that you’ll die and we know that the cost of adult social care is only going to increase the longer more people live longer. A win win and if they have a house and leave it to their children, it eases the burden on housing. Actually, they should do it anyway as humans live fat longer than is both practical – in 1841 the average life expectancy for a working class male in England was 43 and the human body isn’t designed with longevity in mind – or indeed desirable,

Is this as far fetched as reports in the media that Hyde Park is being considered as the site for mass burials? Mind you, having just typed that I did just sneeze and I am feeling a bit peaky….