by Pseud O'Nym
I’m not feeling in a great mood this morning, far from it, very far from it in fact, but one of the challenges, to put in kindly, of living in a shared house is how one deals with it. I should write I, because my life has been blighted by people who when they are in a bad mood are suddenly overcome with a compulsion to share it out, to let everyone have some. So, knowing how that made me feel, and not wanting others to feel that way, I remove myself from the company of others until it passes.
That’s how utterly fucked up I am, having an instinctive reflex to do that. Thanks for that Dad!
So I’m not in a good way, and as I was thinking of the things I was thinking of, I became aware of the fact that I was thinking of a way to best describe it here in this blog, rather than to think about the things itself.
Again, that’s how fucked up I am.
The best way I could think of was if you imagine a memory Lego set, made up of all the memories of your childhood. Rationally, I know that there must’ve been some good times, some really great times in my childhood, but emotionally nothing springs to mind. My experience of childhood was worse than others had, but thankfully better than others had. Anyway a memory Lego set, where all the pieces are various shapes of of my childhood unhappiness. Again, it can’t have been all bad, some of it was very bad. That was joke, by the way. Again, with the fucked up.
Assemble the pieces in the mind carefully, being aware that there are an infinite amount of pieces and that each piece triggers a memory of another piece that slots on that one and so forth. It never ends up with the same final model, mainly because it is never finished. It can just repeat itself or make new configurations that trigger unhelpful thoughts, on and on. And on.
So me thinking about how best to describe it helps. It is a distraction, nothing more and I know that.
Writing of distractions, music has always been one of mine, and I’ve started writing a post all about that, but for now here’s one that’s always put me a better mood. Especially at 5:12 when it changes gear and goes wonderfully fucking mental and most especially when it’s played very fucking loud.