the brilliantly leaping gazelle

Last nights EU election results gave the country the worst possible outcome. Inasmuch as the Tory party will be as scared of the Brexit party as they were of UKIP after the EU elections in 2014, which triggered the mess we’re in now. And a consequence of this will be the election of a Tory leader who MP’s and members hope will reverse this electoral apocalypse in an General Election, by promoting a harder Brexit that returns them to power. Talk about narrow self-interest! That would be the 0.27% of the population, the majority of whom are white, middle class and over 65, those people, the one’s reflect only themselves and not the country as a whole. Talk about niche!

Had Teresa May used the political capital that she had upon her election as Tory leader, then this whole mess could’ve been avoided. Remember those days when compromise was not only possible but also practical? When doing so, building a consensus might have helped heal the divisions that the referendum exposed, rather than not doing so exacerbated? Whereas she thought she was fucking Noel Edmonds, well not fucking Noel Edmonds in that way! I’m sorry to put that image in your head, no one wants that.

And whilst we’re on the subject – not of disturbing conjugal pairings – but things niche, anyone who knows me will know I feel incredibly strongly about this, indeed my partner has to put up with my annual Christmas rant about this. It concerns the abject failure of ITV to provide even the slightest suggestion that they haven’t just thrown in the towel as regards quality programming, but instead rely on ‘talent’ shows, soaps and sport. Oh not forgetting quiz shows and anything they can persuade ‘celebrities’ to do. Anything, it would seem, to keep advertisers happy, and thus shareholders in profit. At 1am I switched over from the BBC’s excellent election coverage to see what ITV was doing. Live roulette befouled my eyes yet even Sky was covering the results. Even Sky! I know the BBC comes in for criticism, some of it well deserved, but by quite a wide margin it’s head and shoulders way better than commercial television. Anyone who’s had the misfortune to endure American television is well aware of that! And don’t get me started on the superiority of BBC Radio – well Radio 4 and the World Service – over everything in every possible way! They just are.

And we’re off! Emily Thornberry Labours ForSec has already got me well into my drinking game. I’m worried that I’ll run out of alcohol if this continues. mount

1st result in Brexit Party have 39% of the vote. But ET is sticking to the tired rhetoric of calling for a 2^nd referendum.

The story that’s emerging is that Brexit party is doing really well, in fact their % share of the vote is x2 that of LibDems, not that you’d get that from Ed Davey MP.

Another result, another whopping victory for the Brexit party, who got double the vote of the 2^nd placed Lib Dems

London has declared LD”s won, no shock, but the story is yet again the 18 % for share the Brexit party. Emily Thornberry is confusing her mouth with her anus. SecRef? Laura K giving her a grilling over her vacillation. Good.

Heidi Allen from Change UK costing me lots of drinks

Good analysis from John Cuticle, essentially polarization more entrenched = share between parties for hard brexit as for remain. LK thinks parties that have clarity do well

No news of rest of Europe yet. Yorkshire&Humber declared Brexi party x2 share vote of Labour

Quote of the Night by Mark Fracoius MP on Tory loses ‘The effluent product has affected to the rotary air conditioning unit”

Ann Widdecombe on. R thinks she looks like Alastair Sim in his female guise, whereas I think she looks like Doc Brown in ‘Back to the Future’ what with her mad hair, even madder eyes and completely bizarre way of ending each question by dismissively trying to stare out the camera. Mad as a box of frogs, that one.

Because traditional election night results show follow a ‘who’s done well, who hasn’t, what does this mean ‘ formula and gets party apologists to parrot pre-arranged talking points, the astounding success of the Brexit party is not given the prominence it deserves or explaining the reasons for its success imho

John Cuticle is saying the result is, in its simplest form, a draw.

Headlines about results in France and Germany, but apart from that, nothing. Poor

BBC coverage over so time for bed!

As I mentioned earlier, I’ll be partaking of some fermented liquids whilst watching the results of the EU elections and it occurred to me that I should combine it with a drinking game. Not obviously the kind of drinking game that goes with ‘Withnail and I’, as it’s a long night and, more importantly, I’m neither young or foolish. Instead I thought of a drinking game where I take a swig of lager every time a phrase is mentioned, what with it going to be a long night and all…

The contenders so far are:

‘This has been clearly a disappointing night for us…’

‘The trend all over Europe has been..’

‘The only winner here is democracy’

‘There are many reasons why our message didn’t resonate with voters..’

‘The results clearly prove that old tribal loyalties are no more…’

‘People wanted to send an unmistakable message to Westminster.. ‘

‘The polls predicted x, we’ve confounded expectations with a huge mandate..

‘I think it deeply unfair on our hard-working MEP’s who have lost their seats..’

‘Now is not an appropriate time to speculate on where we went wrong…’

Maybe I’ve given this a bit too much thought, as even by writing this I’ve thought of loads more…

Just an hour to go now.

Hopefully there’s enough lager. Or else in emergencies there’s some sweet sherry…

Tonight is going to be a great night, at least in terms of keeping me entertained, that is. For others, it will less great as the results of the European election come in, but they can take some comfort in the fact that they have played a vital role in a democratic exercise, granted not the role they would have wanted, but vital nonetheless.

So I’ll be watching and listening to the BBC coverage and analysis – as if any sensible person would do anything else – from 10pm. Early predictions are expected at about 5pm, with provisional results expected around about 11pm.

In keeping with my aspiration not to swear on this blog, but knowing tonight might prove a challenge, I have found a solution to this dilemma that I’m sure most politicians would approve of. I might swear, but in a language that isn’t English, so if you read a word on my blog tonight that you’ve never encountered, well know you know.

As I might blog tonight assisted by some fermented liquids, there may well be some grammatical errors.

I could write about the fact that since news of Teresa Mays resignation as P.M broke, that the media has lost no time in speculating about who might succeed her in holding that very poisoned chalice, what they might fill it with and who they then might get to try and drink it. And whilst it has been observed that only Conservative Party MP’s and party members will choose her successor – 0.27% of the population – which is about as democratic as the notion of a second referendum; as far as I can tell there has been no discussion in the media about what practically happens between now and the election of a new leader.

Will MP.’s have their summer recess? In what universe does trying to deal with the gravest ever peacetime problem this country has ever faced involve just fucking off when the weathers good for six weeks? Then come back for a few days work before having another three week jolly for the conference season? And this is all perfectly reasonable, so much so that we pay for this? Are they taking the fucking piss? I never swear when writing this blog, but for such brazen contempt of the people they ostensibly serve, I’m going to making an exception.

Who knows, maybe there will be a concise yet detailed explanation of what happens next, not as the current situation relates to the Conservative party, but more importantly how this affects our on-going political impasse? Is over two weeks of political navel gazing by a part of the political class that doesn’t reflect the demography of our democracy it purports to represent going to help with that? Is a new leader going to be able to substantially clean up the utter mess they’ll inherit? Will MP’s will decide that, on balance, their own self-interest is nowhere near as important as the national interest?

Maybe, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

But no, I’m not going to write about that. Instead, I’m going to observe that one’s body has an unmistakably painful way of letting you know to that you should eat more fibre. This it does when you’re on the toilet and you can feel what feels like a faecal glacier coursing through you with excruciatingly slow intestinal transport occurs and as it does so, it gives you ample opportunity to reflect what it feels like and when something finally emerges, it is so small and painful to extrude, you’d be forgiven for thinking it was a ball of steel wool passing through the eye of a needle.

Speaking of painful little shits slowly exiting, is it just me or does it seems incredibly apt to note that Vince Cable has announced he is stepping down as leader of the Literal Hypocrites in July? And rest assured, I try not to swear in any future blogs. Although whether I succeed in this laudable endeavour depends in part on our elected unrepresentatives.

We are all Goldilocks now.

I am and you are, well most of the people I’ve ever known have been.

In fact, if you have ever rented a room in a shared house, you are Goldilocks. And if you have ever offered a room to rent, you are neither Goldilocks or nor one the bears. I don’t know what you are. In a bind like us I’d guess.

What brings me to this realization is that at the time of writing this, we are currently searching for a new housemate. Despite repeated newspaper articles claiming that finding accommodation in London is increasingly difficult, our lack of applicants hasn’t borne this out. Those that do attach profile photographs look like they’re posing for a Gap catalogue, or thinking that pouting and looking provocative is an somehow an inducement. Some of them have photos that are so artfully posed one thinks ‘too much free time on their hands’. And some of them contain photos of them undertaking a bewildering array of adventurous activities. Which are both alarming and unsettling. And that’s before you even read the profile. I say ‘read’, because it’s more like correcting basic grammatical errors. Capitalization is a major mistake, or rather a lack thereof. There is also a sense of over familiarity that borders on an emotional abnormality. And it’s from this selection of candidates that one is supposed to choose a candidate to interview.

Now my remembrance of the Goldilocks story is a bit hazy but from what I can recall, Goldilocks somehow gained entry into the bears’ house and, finding it empty, investigates. She finds three porridge bowls and proceeds to tastes each of them, finding that whilst one is too hot and one is too cold, the third one is just right. After this she feels a bit tired and finds their beds. One is too lumpy, one is too soft too soft, but one is just right. It is the same with these candidates. They all present the best possible version of themselves. They are tidy, but not obsessively so. Whilst their room might be a bombsite, they are respectful of communal areas. They like a drink, but only to be sociable. They are respectful of personal space and to all intents and purposes are both affable and considerate in the extreme. Apart, that is, from candidates who confuse an interview for the room with a therapy session.

There was one lady who had the biological clock ringing loudly in her ear so not unreasonably told her husband that she wanted a baby. His immediate response was that he wanted a divorce. Quite how I managed not to burst out laughing at that is a cause of wonderment. I mean, no doubt it was unbearably tragic to be in that situation, but she recounted it with all the aplomb and timing of a stand-up comic. But at least she was funnier than the chap who told us he’d tried stand up amongst other things, but wasn’t any good at it, so we Googled his name afterwards and saw You Tube clips proving it. Then there was the guy that had two teenage daughters who he wanted occasionally to sleepover. This wouldn’t be a problem were it not for the fact that he continually repeated throughout the interview. What finally did it for me was when he said that he wouldn’t want to live with anyone who voted for Brexit, and I thought ‘I wouldn’t to want to live with anyone who thinks that way’. I regret not calling him out on that.

But what all of these interviews have bough home – no pun intended – is that all of the prospective housemates have got hopes and dreams for their futures. Indeed, our fourth housemate never stays for more than a year and at least four have moved abroad to pursue their ambitions. One moved abroad to help care for sick parent. The original fourth housemate stuck it out for as long as she could before eventually buying her own flat. And I can’t help contrast their hopes and dreams with my own lack of them. And, to be honest, I haven’t exactly put down any binding ties to my neighbourhood, I haven’t gone out of my way to cultivate any friendships outside of my existing circle of two friends, and if I’m being generous to myself, possibly my support workers. My other two housemates have a daughter at a local school and which has created links to the area and by dint of that, plugged into a social network of other parents. ts. They have also benefited massively from not having a brain injury which has resulted in my past, well, becoming my past, which in turn leads onto some thoughts which would be depressing if it weren’t for the fact that I’m already depressed.

Anyway that’s as maybe.

We are all Goldilocks now.

Just heard the news that Teresa May is to resign. Not immediately, but on June 7th. It makes me think of someone in a relationship they know is going to end, but they’ve got a holiday booked, so they’ll wait until they’re back before dumping them. They’ve told their family and all their friends, who are relieved that finally they’re following their advice to end it, because it was an increasingly unhealthy relationship. Of course they’ll keep schtum.

Actually, her announcing her intention to quit, but without actually quitting is sort of emblematic of her sorry stint as Prime Minister. Not only has she ruined what otherwise promised to be a gloriously sunny Bank Holiday weekend, but she has unleashed a leadership contest that will both create parliamentary paralysis when we can least afford the stasis, and will produce a non leader leader, someone unable to deliver what’s so desperately needed.

Talk about a poisoned chalice!

Caveat emptor is struck me earlier today as I thought about the Brexit party, because it literally means ‘Let the buyer beware’

Because, as the Daily Telegraph noted, when attempting ti inform its readers of what the Brexit parties policies were,

They don’t have any. The Brexit Party isn’t a party in the traditional sense, and Mr Farage has chosen to emulate the Vote Leave campaign by deliberately steering clear of details.

Adding,

Instead, the campaign focuses on attacking Westminster politicians and on the “betrayal” of the Brexit vote. While Mr Farage hasn’t offered up any solutions to the Brexit conundrum, he has made clear that he is in favour of the hardest Brexit possible.

Before helpfully clearing things up by adding,

He has also promised a “full slate” of policies once the European elections are out of the way. He told a rally in West Yorkshire that they would include “political reform, more help for the regions, scrapping of ludicrous projects like HS2”.

One charitable interpretation of this is that as their single aim is for the want the U.K will hopefully leave the E.U. soon, they don’t have to. However, if they do so well that it triggers a ‘no confidence’ vote in the government, and that in turn triggers a general election, and that in turn uses up time better spent on sorting things, then is it a good use of the vote?

Essentially a vote for the Brexit Party may on the face of it appear to returning democracy to the people, but my concern is that it is anything but. Do I trust him? Not in the slightest! How can possibly trust some who fanny’s about with something as basic as the pronunciation of their surname.  As I noted in 2014,

How do you pronounce garage? Go on – try it out loud, I’m in no hurry. Done it? If you’re anything like me, then your pronunciation of garage will have sounded like how the word porridge sounds. But on the other hand, if you’re Nigel Farage then your surname sounds as if a pirate has hijacked it with the result that Farage becomes Faraaarhhge. Somehow he’s managed to convince every media outlet, every political commentator that his name is not pronounced the way it is spelt.Before I start, here’s your starter for ten? How do you pronounce garage? Go on – try it out loud, I’m in no hurry. Done it? If you’re anything like me, then your pronunciation of garage will have sounded like how the word porridge sounds. But on the other hand, if you’re Nigel Farage then your surname sounds as if a pirate has hijacked it with the result that Farage becomes Faraaarhhge. Somehow he’s managed to convince every media outlet, every political commentator that his name is not pronounced the way it is spelt.

And if if can do that, what else might he be capable of? That’s the thing. No one knows.

Oh, by the way, just because I don’t like him, or what he might do or his potential effect on the body politic, or his lowest common denominator rhetoric, or his view that the N.H.S. should be privatised it doesn’t mean that somehow my antipathy toward him extends to those who reluctantly voted for the Brexit party out of a deeply held personal conviction that the result of the referendum was being betrayed, then I don’t hate you.

I hate you more than that! (And you know who you are!)

When I was in a medically induced coma for a month after my accident, they had to put a tube down my throat to help me breath,  but whilst essential to keeping me alive then, now it has had a a rather unfortunate consequence on my speech. Also when I woke up, it was discovered that the part of my brain responsible for movement and co-ordination had been damaged. That’s enough to be going with.

Thankfully, my powers of critical thinking, logical deduction, and consequential reasoning were pretty much the same as they were. Thats why there was no realistic prospect whatsoever for me voting for the Nigel Farrages Brexit Party, not just because he looks like Kermit the Frog, not just because he has a surname that sounds like some cheap copy of chocolates that Excellency’s spoil us with, and not because because, as I wrote in the less divisive climate of 2014;

Nigel likes to prove his man of the people credentials as often as possible, either being interviewed or photographed in a pub and is often seen drinking a pint. Is it only me that remembers that photo’s of that well regarded humanitarian Tony Blair , albeit onebeing photographed with a mug of tea, strumming a guitar, or famously, when walking with the peace loving George Bush, having both hands tucked rather too self consciously into his jeans. Only me, I suppose who thinks that any politician who wants to appear like a ‘pretty regular kind of guy’’ – as Blair claimed to be – is usually anything but.

Because, who knows, it might just be me being cynical, maybe he really is a regular man of the people, albeit one who went to Dulwich college (a public school) and upon leaving  embarked on a career as a trader in brokerage firms on the London Metal Exchange. This is the sole extent of his working history until he became an MEP (a Member of the European Parliament).. A politician who went to public school and then worked in the city before becoming a politician. Sound familiar? Or am I just being cynical?

Not only is it because, as I wrote in 2014

Only a cynic would point out that that is why his personal details are a suitably vague. Equally, if ones main hobby-horse is to bang on about a little Europe has done for this country, and how Britain would be better off divorcing ourselves from a political union with Europe, the last thing you want known is that not only do you command a large salary from being an MEP  – over £78,000 per year. (That’s not including paying your wife up to – no-ones quite sure – £20,00 a year for being your secretary) Or that your voting record is only 45.57%

No, what you wouldn’t want known by a public outraged by M.P’s expenses, was that you’d claimed over £2million in expenses since riding the gravy train first class.

Nor is it because, as Jonathan Freedland in yesterdays Guardian, asked,

Why is Nigel Farage immune to scandals that would destroy his rivals?

just before going onto list them for us. I hadn’t paid much attention to the Aaron Banks paying for his chauffeur and car before, until I realised that if it was a smear, it was one that had benefited our man of the people £450,000!

No, it is because his brand of plain, honest speaking, that you can’t trust other politicians and because I’m not one of them, you can trust me, I understand your concerns, I get it is symptomatic of a right wing populist movement that’s gaining ground all over Europe. Under the guise of articulating whatever invented threat, exaggerated fear or existential threat that poses a threat to democratic norms that succeeds in garnering popular support, they’ll fan those flames whilst complaining about the damage the fire is causing.

And recent history has shown us where this kind of populist, rabble rousing can lead. No, not to Hitlers Germany. But we should’ve learnt from that before the horrors General Ratko Miadic, Bosnia, and ‘ethnic cleansing.’visited Europe. If we don’t learn from the past, we’ll repeat it and it’s only when we’ve reached the point of no return that people realise they’re on a slippery slope

Like I said I;m brain damaged, not mad.

The European elections on Thursday present me with something of a quandary. Not just because none of the choices are especially appealing, but also that voting in an election is such a fundamental belief, that not to do so would be almost as bad as admitting that homeopathy is a science, that ghosts are real, religion isn’t just arrant nonsense or that Elvis isn’t dead.

Any party that has as a campaign pledge to consider, or to outright commit to having a ‘peoples vote’ is a party I don’t want to be invited to, given that I believe that the first referendum result gave a clear indication of the will of the people. I voted to remain, but unlike those calling for a second referendum, I dealt with the fact I was on the losing side, because in a democracy, not everyone gets what they want. If someone wins, it follows that someone loses. Had the rules of the referendum stipulated the minimum winning margin for it to be legal, fair enough, run it again. Equally, the rules said that in the event of a “Leave’ vote, a withdrawal agreement with the E.U. would be negotiated and then a confirmatory vote put to the people once they’d seen the deal, great.

But there wasn’t .

And if there is one thing that is going to communicate to communities throughout the land that the Westminster political elite isn’t listening to them – or doesn’t like what it hears – and ignores their wishes using highly spurious and condescending reasons to justify their shameful betrayal, then holding a second referendum is certain to do it. And a betrayal is exactly what it is. If this were happening in Turkey, then the same people who call for a second referendum here would be denouncing it as undemocratic. (Actually, that’s not a good example, given how the wrong candidate won the Istanbul mayoral election, causing their electoral stooges to declare it void and be run again….)

Which is not a universally popular view, not least when you share a house with two staunch believers in the necessity of there being second referendum. So on Thursday I am faced with an unenviable choice. Either I void the ballot paper, or vote for the Brexit Party, in which case it would be a case of that old political adage of holding your nose while you vote.

Sunday the 26^th at 10pm should be quite interesting, because that is when the results will be announced! Not only will we see how people here have voted, but where. If it transpires that not only is there a north/south divide, but also a town/country divide and additionally a young/old divide, I look forward with relish to the various competing and contradictory explanations used by all sides to persuade us that the results do/don’t mean what they do in fact mean.

Speaking of which, one inevitably thinks of Liberal Democrats and their so-called triumph in the local elections. They were nothing of the sort, because local elections are second-tier elections, they’re the political equivalent of being chosen for the second XI at school. And the Liberal Democrats are neither liberal nor democratic, as proven by their insistence on ignoring the will of the people, using craven and patronizing objections to justify their frankly incredibly intolerant position. Quite why anyone would trust them again after their ill-fated coalition with the Conservative Party is beyond me, being as how they have as much credibility as a crystal healer.